Sudden heartache!

After so many years i recovered from the unbearable pain , it struck back after last night incident . I guess my heart was never heal in the first place , it was cover up by the numbnest i felt and the wound that was inflected on me seems so fresh . My heart just sank with a sudden change knowing i'm getting overly close to her , it hurts went i think about it . I guess the shield that i used to put up was down and in return i took that risk to feel the first blow. Mentally and physically the pain was there , gave me a shock of my life . I know for sure it won't hurt this much if i didn't meant it but i did , i'm emotionally and deeply in love with her . Yes so many times she told me that Q was her past but i do feel that sense of insecurity with myself . I have to understand that sometimes we miss the person but why do i feel out of place ? Am i suppose to be in this picture ? I'm being selfish and i hate it . I'm sorry i'm truly am , i wanted just to run away and hide myself . I'm scared of getting hurt , it hurts too much to be hurt once again .. putting all aside my pain , all i see is her and i know that there's where i wanna stay right by her side . I would not know what would happen next if i get second blow i think i would literally fall flat with a heart attack. Hais...