Overprotected

I don't know what i should feel , it seems it's been hard and difficult for me to show my love to anyone . How and how i would be the cause of their shame , how and how i'm the reason to be blame . Certain things are meant to be kept hidden , when would i find freedom to love without people judging me , saying things that really does not concern them . I hate it , i hate this feeling being said about my past , getting scolded and being blame for causing embrassment to the family . So many times i though of just killing myself so that i won't be a bother to them cause they making me feel guilty and regret living in this fuck up world. Would i truly find happiness or would be stuck here as their baby girl , sometimes it's not fair . I guess i could never find peace in my life , i would just be unhappy, stuck and lock up . God , why are you playing with my feelings? I don't know what i should do , and i feel that crying about it is pointless . I'm trying my best to keep the balance with my life , my love and my family . But how and how i'm just hurting them , how i wish i could just dissapear so that they don't need to worried and make me feel like a big FUCKING embarassment to them . :-( I'm sorry for being the greatest dissapointment you ever had !

Phucket Trip still far far away but ca save alot money to relax and shopping most of all spending my time with my baby . After getting paid i'm gonna get i phone 4 with baby , do me hair, and buying couple ring :D .. little things we could do .. I hope my baby would get well soon Ciao !

Sudden heartache!

After so many years i recovered from the unbearable pain , it struck back after last night incident . I guess my heart was never heal in the first place , it was cover up by the numbnest i felt and the wound that was inflected on me seems so fresh . My heart just sank with a sudden change knowing i'm getting overly close to her , it hurts went i think about it . I guess the shield that i used to put up was down and in return i took that risk to feel the first blow. Mentally and physically the pain was there , gave me a shock of my life . I know for sure it won't hurt this much if i didn't meant it but i did , i'm emotionally and deeply in love with her . Yes so many times she told me that Q was her past but i do feel that sense of insecurity with myself . I have to understand that sometimes we miss the person but why do i feel out of place ? Am i suppose to be in this picture ? I'm being selfish and i hate it . I'm sorry i'm truly am , i wanted just to run away and hide myself . I'm scared of getting hurt , it hurts too much to be hurt once again .. putting all aside my pain , all i see is her and i know that there's where i wanna stay right by her side . I would not know what would happen next if i get second blow i think i would literally fall flat with a heart attack. Hais...

Chup chup

isn't t cute like a cute family potrait me , baby boo and the kids :D It was baby's brother in law open house , nice food and it was fun especially miggling around with the kids and somehow being like my the family . just little things i do for my love .. love you loads my baby boooo <3

I'm just feeling numb went i think that the past is catching up with me , nomatter how hard i try to walk forward i would end up being pull back an inch and had to flick it away. Wait , shouldn't i be blessed i have a wonderful gf who cares and love me, my family doing fine , getting back my job next week , totally problemless..But why do i feel like something missing . Am i feeling this way because the past had broken and torn me so badly that i became so empty , is it possible? Had to blame noone but myself ...
It hurts to know sometimes unintentionally i'll hurt her with words , furthermore i know that i'm being difficult towards her most of the time because i'm an insecure bith or it has to do with my past experience . It isn't fair for me to torment her with what that become of me ,i feel more like a monster. It hurts me alot cause i tried asking her to leave me because i though it would be the best solution i could think off. In that way she won't be hurt and she could find somebody much more deserving than myself . Each time i felt like giving up on myself , she would just pull me back to her arms and kiss away the pain , would simply forget what i planned of . Being with her makes me happy ,go to learn new things about each other and adapting new environment especially mingling with her families . I do love her dearly,i just want this torture to stops . At times went the least expected incident happen especially when the topic of Q appear with her family accidently sayig it , i could see her expression and not sure whether it realy hurt her or myself . Each time this happen i always felt like i'm in the way of things , either i felt like a replacement or start to compare myself with her .What if she would come back what would happen next ? She has a kid of her own but i would always remember that my girlfriend love kids , it won't matter that much right? Why not she be with her back and love the kid as her own seen alot of this thing happen always . When that happen i would sincerely give way and wish her allthe happiness ahead , for the happiness odf the person i love i think that's the best i could do for her . It's been playing in my head over and over again .. I tried telling myself its in the past and i'm in the present with her now that matters but how about the future ahead ? Is enough of me getting broken promises that not kept , enough of fearing of being alone ,and enough of me feeling of heartaches . I wonder when would i truly find the peace and happiness for once in my 20 years life? Only god knows..

When love appear it seems so beautiful and blessing but behind the beautiful picture lies the torns. I kept telling myself is alright is ok everything would be fine be patience and endure but the more i tried the harder it gets, the more i suffocates and the more deeper i fall in a black hole ... What will become of me , if i'm noone now?